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Beverly had suffered from anxiety most of her life. As a child, she slept poorly and often had nightmares. She bit her nails and would chew on the skin around her nails until they were raw and bleeding.

Beverly had tried many forms of therapy, meditation and medication before consulting with me. She had a strong belief in God and prayed daily. Yet she was still anxious and could not understand the source of her anxiety.

Beverly grew up in a “normal” household with two parents who seemingly loved her. Yet as we explored her childhood, it became apparent that, while there was no overt abuse, the covert emotional abuse was constant. Her parents were highly critical of her and would get angry and withdraw when she didn’t perform to their expectations. Her mother was not affectionate and her father’s affection was tinged with sexual energy that frightened her.

Beverly felt tense much of the time in her home. Her parents fought a lot and her mother would often end up crying hysterically while her father withdrew behind his newspaper. What she did not see in her household was any role-modeling for taking personal responsibility for her own feelings. Her mother would blame her and her father whenever she was unhappy, while her father would blame her and her mother for his upsets. Beverly always tried to be a good girl and be there for her parents, but no one was ever there for her.

It’s easy to see why Beverly was so anxious as a child. But what was causing her anxiety as an adult?

The problem was that Beverly had never learned how to be a loving parent to herself, because her parents had not been loving to her or to themselves. She was kind and generous with others, but she tended to ignore her own feelings and needs. The little girl inside Beverly, her Inner Child, felt alone and abandoned inside most of the time. In addition, she was highly critical of herself, just as her parents had been with her. She was constantly telling herself that she couldn’t do anything right.

Beverly was treating herself just as her parents had treated her and themselves. Little Beverly did not have a powerful loving inner adult to attend to her feelings or speak up for her with others. Instead, she was neglectful or critical of herself. Due to abandoning herself and not giving herself love and approval, she was constantly seeking approval from others. As a result, Beverly felt anxious in many situations with others - with friends, at work, as well as with her husband and children. She was constantly trying to “perform” right so people would approve of her or not be mad at her. She was constantly suffering from “performance anxiety.”

Beverly saw that much of her anxiety centered around wanting to control how others saw her and treated her. She realized that she judged herself in the hopes of getting herself to perform right. She noticed that she was constantly seeking others’ approval because of being so critical of herself.

Learning to be compassionate with herself rather than judgmental was a challenge that took time and dedication. She was so used to judging herself that she would do it without realizing it. Through her inner work, Beverly became aware of the fact that most of the critical things she told herself about herself were just not true - they were beliefs she had absorbed from her parents but were not the reality of who she was. As she paid attention to her self-judgments, she noticed that her anxiety was directly related to her judgments, false beliefs, and desire to control getting approval from others.

As Beverly slowly learned to be a loving inner parent rather than a critical one, her anxiety gradually diminished. Any time it she felt anxious, she could now trace it back to something she had told herself that not only was not true, but was self-critical. She discovered that she had been using her spiritual connection as a way of avoiding responsibility for herself, rather than as guidance in what was loving to herself. As she opened to learning about what was loving to herself, she gained more access to and connection with her spiritual source of guidance. The more Beverly took loving care of herself, the more inner peace she attained.

During the holiday season, time is a prized commodity and the preciousness of family is (hopefully) paramount in our minds. How is it then that we get so carried away with things that are not of lasting significance? I wonder too. Are you ready to make a change? Let’s tackle this now and relax sweetly into the holiday season while visions of sugarplums dance in our heads.

First, take some time now to discuss with your family what you truly want out of the holiday season this year. Perhaps it is a good time to introduce or reinforce the original meaning of Christmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate). Maybe this is the year your family breaks the cycle of overspending and chooses a simpler holiday that involves more time with family and friends.

For instance, I know one family who chooses to give three gifts to each child for Christmas representing the three wise men’s gifts at the birth of Christ. The other giving that is done is to those less fortunate. The focus in this family is on the original meaning of Christmas - the celebration of the birth of Christ and enjoying time with loved ones.

Another way to get more significance out of your holiday is to create and enjoy some family traditions. Do your children look forward to certain things each holiday? A few of my children’s favorite holiday traditions include making a gingerbread house, baking Christmas cookies, watching Christmas movies by the fireplace and decorating our Christmas tree while drinking hot chocolate and listening to our favorite Christmas CDs. Childhood memories themselves are a precious gift to give our children.

Here are some ideas in case you are looking for some new traditions to start:

• Go Christmas caroling with your friends or neighbors

• Roast chestnuts over an open fire

• Make Reindeer food (dry corn, glitter, bird seed) and have your children scatter it on the lawn on Christmas Eve

• Make Christmas ornaments to keep or give as gifts

• Attend church service on Christmas Eve

• Have everyone put on their favorite PJs and drive through town to view Christmas lights while singing (or listening to) your favorite Christmas songs.

• Go to a Christmas play or to a live nativity scene.

In addition to family traditions, here are some other ideas of holiday significance your family can try:

• Adopt a needy family or elderly person to brighten their holidays.

• Take cookies to a nursing home and have your children sing carols.

• Sponsor a child in another country for the holidays and beyond at: http://www.compassion.com.

• Deliver homemade goodies with a smile to the homeless or those less fortunate.

• Invite single neighbors or friends to holiday activities.

• Work in a soup kitchen feeding the hungry.

And for gift giving, celebrate less gifts and more substance with these ideas:

• Give coupons for free childcare to a couple that could use some time alone.

• Give “gift certificates” for a hot meal prepared by your family.

• Draw names instead of purchasing for everyone in your extended family.

• Give to a charity on behalf of a family member. Check out: www.charitygiftcertificates.org and www.justgive.org

• Help hungry families feed themselves at: http://www.heifer.org/

• Make gifts with your children such as:

*Frames, flowerpots, art, self-portraits, family photos and more. Visit these sites for ideas: www.familycrafts.about.com and www.kaboose.com

• Have a silly (White Elephant) gift exchange instead of buying presents. Ask everyone to bring something from home that is no longer wanted and needs a new home. (The sillier / funnier the better.) When everyone gathers, draw numbers to see who picks a gift first. Follow in order until everyone has a gift. The person whose turn it is can choose to take a gift already opened instead of choosing a wrapped gift. If so, the person whose gift was taken gets to pick a new wrapped (or open) gift. Continue until everyone has had a turn.

Just remember whatever your family chooses, choose to create lasting and warm memories that you and your family will cherish for a lifetime. Our families and our time together are precious!

Lesley Spencer is founder and president of the national association of Home-Based Working Moms (http://www.HBWM.com), the HBWM.com, Inc. Network of Websites and author of the Work-at-Home Workbook. She has a Master’s Degree in Public Relations and has been featured in numerous media outlets including CBS News, Forbes, Business Week, Parents, Wall Street Journal and USA Today. She has been working from home for over 10 years and has two children whom she absolutely adores!

Let’s take an example of what anger can do.

Say the car in front of you slows down and goes toward the curve, even though light is green. You are thinking “What is the driver is up to? The driver hasn’t signaled to slow down or to turn. You beep your horn and start to move around him, but he hasn’t pulled over enough to allow you to pass at the same time. The passenger door opens, and a woman steps out. She turns and leans on the car and continues to talk to the driver while the light turns red. You seem to get angrier and you lean on the horn harder. You then roll down your window and attempt to shout at him over the loud sound of your horn. You stop only when you spot a police officer down the block turning your way.

You finally make it to your job nearly half an hour late for a meeting. As you rush in and you throw your folders onto the secretary’s desk nearly spilling her coffee. At the same time you shout at your secretary “Have those typed for me before lunch”.

Anger is one of the basic human emotions when we feel threated. Our bodies automatically prepare to fight or flight in threatened situations. Our heart races, our mouth become dry, our pupils constrict, our breath becomes shorter, our speech becomes louder and our bodies tend to become tense. Anger tends to escalate and becomes contagious for a lot of people. If you become angry while speaking with someone, both of you may end up talking louder and louder and now you start developing a hostile posture.

Though anger is an instinctive reaction, the extent to which we express our anger depends on your attitude. If you are generally hostile in viewing the world, you are likely to perceive threats and feel like you need to defend yourself in situations where others would remain calm.

You may tend to leap to conclusions and misinterpret the intentions of others. You may feel that you are too easily taken advantage and much more likely to become angry. Irritability is a term for the emotional tone that’s usually comes before your anger.

There are ways in which we can deal with our anger. You may repress anger and some therapists believe that once it is bottled up, anger comes to the surface in the form of depression. You may deal with anger passively for example, by refusing to talk or dragging your feet on an important project. You may place anger on obviously easier targets. For example, if your boss humiliates you, you may feel unable to respond to the situation and when you get home, you scream at your wife instead.

Even if you are not normally an angry person, you may be prone to becoming angry when you have too much to drink or taking drugs like cocaine and amphetamines. These can cause increased irritability and then your common sense diminishes and your irritability increases leading to anger.

Hate is a chronic form of anger. Hate itself is not actually a mental illness but in the medical field, professionals would probably agree that is not healthy.

How to cope with Anger

If you suffer from frequent bouts of anger, you may benefit from anger management. This is the type of psychotherapy where you can identify your tendency to perceive hostility on others when it really is not intended. Thereby, you can then decrease your anger response.

You can learn what triggers your anger so that you can avoid them or diffuse them first rather than just immediately react with anger.

You can learn relaxation techniques to decrease tension. This way you can gain confidence in your ability to remain in control of your feelings. You may still lose your temper from time to time, but you regain control faster.

Let’s discuss parents with children. One thing a parent should not do is hit out of anger. Before you lift your hand to strike a child, first think “Why am I ready to hit him or her”. This way you have given yourself a few seconds to calm down and take control. Are you hitting because someone just made you angry and your child just happens to make a remark that irritates you.

Hitting is not usually the answer. Punishment works much better. Take away what the child really likes and stick with your punishment. Don’t give in because then your child will know you are not serious with punishments.

With the fast pace in life that we go through every day, especially when two parents are working, we really need just to sit down even if it’s for 15 minutes, close your eyes and relax. Also, what is a great way to relieve tension in the home is to have a family meeting once a week because if anybody is feeling angry or something is bottled up inside, tension can be relieved because anger outcomes occur.